Chiswick Residents decide that a fate worse than death should be the end of our urban foxes.

The residents of Chiswick have become used to debris strewn streets over the years but now it seems enough is enough. The fox population may find that they have pushed local people just too far.

Chiswick fox
Urban foxes - an increasingly common site in Chiswick

A war has been declared on reynardism and its proponents. Originally the suggestion was made that residents should come together and form a Chiswick Hunt using cats in a humane way to invite our brush-tailed neighbours to leave.

Public enemy number one is allegedly a shadowy fox called Ohmy bin Liner who heads an organisation called the Tallyhoban.

A broad coalition of cats was rumoured to be assembled including Margaret Philbin's cat Goliath and her neighbour's Gadaffi.

Such measures brought a warning from Chiswick Cllr. Paul Lynch who cautioned "Merely because a creature is destructive and verminous does not mean that you may legally encourage your cat to attack it, or disturb it any way."

Little was the Councillor to know that some Chiswick residents were conceiving a plan even more merciless towards the foxes - they are moving them South of the river. They have called in the help of pest control expert Bruce Lindsey-Smith who for a fee of around £200 will capture your neighbourhood fox and release it in South Norwood.

A wildlife expert commented that the staple diet of urban foxes would not be available in South London: "These animals have evolved to grow dependent on a combination of discarded plastic cups containing skinny cappuccinos and estate agents leaflets offering free valuations. Such a high fibre diet would not be available to them in Norwood.

The move could attract the ire of animal rights extremists. A balaclavaed spokesman for ALF told us: "People tend to assume that animal rights simply means that they should not be experimented on or hunted cruelly but I'm sure people in Chiswick will understand that living in a desirable postcode is just as much a right for an animal as a human."


chiswick trompette fox
There is concern that the diet for foxes in Norwood might not be what they are used to in Chiswick

James Slattery Kavanaugh of Virtual Norwood described the scheme as "fiendish" and said of Chiswick: "Apparently they can't tell one fox from another and its just the same fox being used time and time again. (Boom!, boom!)"

Story by Fox correspondent Fanny Berkshire. Please note that some of the comments above are completely made up.

Members Wanted - Chiswick Hunt

To Hell or South Norwood - Article from the Evening Standard

Virtual Norwood