Chiswick Dogs May Need To Go Back To School

Angry response after licensing system proposed for local parks

Dogs would need to learn new skills before being allowed off lead
Dogs would need to learn new skills before being allowed off lead


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There has been a stunned reaction to proposals for a new licensing system for dogs to operate on common land in the Chiswick area.

Concerns have been growing about issues arising from dogs exercising on Chiswick Back Common and Acton Green particularly due to an ongoing court case in which a cyclist was injured after a dog ran in front of him. Last summer, with more people eating al fresco in parks, there was an increased incidence of pesky pooches snaffling up sandwiches from picknickers.

Under the proposed scheme both Hounslow and Ealing Council are being encouraged to introduce new bylaws that would require dogs off leads to have a licence on common land. It is unclear at this stage whether the restrictions would be extended to all parks in the borough.

A licence would not be necessary if the dog remained on a lead but, if it was allowed to run free, it would have to have the licence that would prove that it had attended a bespoke training course and had appropriate insurance. The courses would be held at Barking College and would initially be done remotely through Zoom. The dogs would be required to show that they would obey a command to return, not chase after other dogs throw toys or eat discarded kebabs. There would also be a requirement that they report owners who fail to poop scoop. On completion of the course the dogs would be awarded a GDSCE (Good Dog Certificate of Secondary Education).

Licenced dogs would be required to wear a hi-viz orange coat which would be available in three sizes and have the dog’s name, breed, colour and registration on the side. Compliance would be maintained by ANPR cameras covering the park and enforcement officers would have the power to issue on the spot fines.

Off-lead walks in the park would need to be pre-booked on a Bark By Phone app at a rate of £1 per half hour with all funds raised going to park maintenance.

Dogs would need a licence to run on Acton Green Common: Picture: Sandy Gemmill

A representative of the organisation which proposed the scheme this Friday (1 April), Ms Fee Lineplot said, “Dogs get to use parks for free even though they pay no taxes and don’t have any insurance. Getting more of them on leads would make parks much safer for other animals for instance, just plucking a random example out of the air, cats. We totally dismiss any suggestion that this idea is part of an evil conspiracy by the cat community and say it is a purr-fect solution to the problem.”

Canine experientialist Avril Amadan said, “For too long it has been assumed that a dog’s education ends with puppy classes but this view has held them back from their true potential. No sensible person would argue that they aren’t just as intelligent as most humans and a lack of continuing education has provided a barrier to their progress. We are hoping that after completing the basic training needed for the GDCSE that dogs will be inspired to continue onto new fields of learning and take classes in art, pottery and yoga with some of the more able dogs considering disciplines like sociology and physics.”

A spokesdog for the dog community Indiana Bones said, “After millennia of loyalty to the human race this is the thanks we get. It is simply unacceptable. The coats look really embarrassing and are uncomfortable and many dogs will give up their lives before putting them on unless we get a couple of treats in which case it would be fine.”

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April 1, 2022

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